Inside His Mind
Disclaimer: Sensitive subject matter. Parental guidance advised.
When did it happen? Was in it his luxurious childhood? His social life being nonexistent? His ghost-like observations of his fellow students experiencing the “life” he desperately craved? God is the only One who knew the dark anatomy of his heart and mind.
On May 23, a tragedy unraveled in Santa Barbara, Calif., when 22 year-old Elliot Rodger first murdered his three roommates, then went on to unleash rage through the pistol and erratic driving throughout the area, killing seven (including himself) and injuring 13, in total.
Evil exists. It is impossible to understand because these things should never happen; it should only be contained within action movies. As social media has made its way into our lives in the past decade, the communication source has become an outlet for many people to where one can say what they want to say uncensored, but would never dare to say in reality.
When I heard that Rodger posted a string of blogs (a video diary), my curiosity began to stir. I wanted to piece it together myself and try to figure out how Rodger got to this point of hopelessness, and ultimately to the demise of innocent people and himself.
What I had found throughout these video diaries was eerie, to the degree where someone could have the ability to violently scrape the very depths of their soul, resulting in bleeding depression, yet contradicting his oozing “confidence”. Rodger could not seem to cope with these struggles in his life, and it breaks my heart that he had experienced a loneliness no one needs to experience.
God did not create a life in mind where we all have to fend for ourselves. We need each other. Satan had gotten ahold and taken advantage of his mental state, convincing him that all is lost; there is no way such a hope exists.
The frustrations he had, we’ve all experienced. One way or another, we all have experienced that excruciating pang of rejection, which often invites a season of loneliness; a season that seems to never end; where it’s always winter, and never Christmas.
I know many people who are single, and it just blows my mind. It’s just like, ‘Why have you not met anyone yet? Who wouldn’t want you?!’ We often compare our journeys with one another that Christ has prepared for us, a specific mission that only we can fulfill. That is like fitting a puzzle piece that is not meant for the puzzle it’s trying to fit in.
God, one day or someday, will place all of us in a season of loneliness, some more than others. And it will not be because He wants to leave us; it’s so that from that season of loneliness, we will not take Him for granted, as well as the hope that is found on the blood-stained cross, blood that belonged to Jesus. And it is only through Him and His blood, we experience and see true love. In silence, we truly experience the essence of God.
After witnessing what was going on in Rodger’s life and his effort to condense his life within those videos, I felt his isolation and his pain. Yet, it seemed like he chose to be an outcast because of the condition of his heart.
Financially, he was pretty safe, and lived an enriched life. From what Rodger said in his videos, he believed that love was only found in intimate, human relationships and that he should’ve received freely, like it was owed to him. The following are statements from Rodger himself, and are a thread of themes I had noticed in his videos:
“Girls, all I’ve ever wanted is to love you, and to be loved by you.” The human heart is designed to yearn for companionship, but God made us more complex than that. The purpose of relationships is to reflect the love between God and His son, not what is portrayed in the twisted perspective the world has with one night stands and “friends with benefits”.
“But you think I am unworthy of it (love). That’s a crime that can never be forgiven.” If he were in a relationship with someone, this characteristic, despite who it is, should be a red flag. The incapability to forgive shows signs of mistrust, and basically tells your partner that they are illegitimate in their commitment. The ultimate commitment and bleeding love of Christ proves that He forgives of all sin, no matter how extreme, and still chooses to love us. That is what forgiveness is; Jesus thought you are worth it, Elliot, or else He wouldn’t have experienced/chosen such a horrific death.
“You never showed me any mercy, so I will show you none.” God did not have to create a way for us to become redeemed. He had every right to leave us condemned and out of His sight. But He loves us to a point where He is willing to sacrifice His only son that we may live. I believe by that act, we have no right whatsoever to say “have no mercy;” that’s a God/Jesus-only position. If you were to come face-to-face with Rodger, not knowing what he was going to do, would you have shown him compassion and mercy like Jesus would?
These videos captured the potential of how dark the human heart and soul can be, before Christ encounters them. Christ’s light is the only One who can conquer our inner darkness.