To The Better Version of Me: A Letter

To the Better Version of Me,

I know it may seem strange that I’m writing to you.  I’ve never met you, but I think about you a lot.  If I’m going to be honest, you have been both a tremendous inspiration to me as well as the most strangling albatross.  You keep me awake at night. You frustrate me. At the same time, the mere idea of you is a comfort to me.

That being said, I would like to touch base with you on a few things.  First of all, congratulations on finally losing that extra 15 pounds I’ve been carrying around.  I don’t know how you did it, but you look great.

That’s one thing I admire about you.  You’re so disciplined.  I have tried and tried to be disciplined but I’m not very disciplined at it.  What was it that finally made you get there?  Was it something you got, an event, a tragedy, a book?  I keep reading, buying, and looking for opportunities (honestly I’d prefer not to go through the tragedy) but nothing is making it click.  I’d love to know your secret.

I think if she knew you, our wife would like you better than me.  The same for our son.  Not that they don’t like me, I just don’t know where you found that level of balance to make the home feel centered.  I struggle to keep it on course.  You make it seem so effortless. I feel like I’m gone too much.  I fear I don’t do enough with them – that I don’t lead them fully in the way God wants me to.  I know what I’m doing is a start, but honestly when I was younger, I thought my home would look a lot more like yours.  God knows I’m trying.

It’s not easy trying to be you.  I suppose the funny thing is even if I somehow am able to become you, I would still want more.  I wonder – are you writing this letter to a better version of you?  Are you as obsessed with the thought of the better version of yourself as I am?

I really don’t know what to say to you beyond the fact that I appreciate you.  The fact that you finally turned my “I wish” list into your daily task list is inspiring.  Well done.

Sadly, you don’t exist.

I would love it if you did.  I’d love to see your impact on our family, our church, and our community.

I wonder…if I finally set my alarm and woke up earlier, exercised more, prayed more, read more, actually stepped out into those conversations I avoid more, if I finally got that break, if I poured more in and gave more out, would I finally start measuring up to you or would I just be a more busy version of the over-busy version of myself that I am?

I’m also glad that somehow, despite how much I wish I was like you, I know God doesn’t love me any less because I’m not you.  Don’t get me wrong, you probably have a deeper understanding of God, a closer relationship with him, and probably a greater understanding of what it means to love and be loved by God.  I want that.  I really do.

Still, He didn’t save me just so that I could become like you.  He saved me so that I could become like Jesus.

Honestly I think I focus more on becoming like you than like Him.  I’ll bet you don’t have that problem.

I’m sure you would probably say something humble and self-effacing like how you’re still a work in progress and you’re not perfect…blah blah blah.  That’s what I both love and hate about you.  Still, I’m thankful for the way God uses you to push me forward.

I hope to see you soon,

Ryan