by admin | Apr 1, 2013
This month, I have been divorced for 5 years. Before that I was married for 5 years. I say that as a reference to you before you read any further. I don’t claim to know much of anything about having a successful relationship or tips on how to make a marriage work. However, as I said, I’ve lived half my adult life married and the other half single. So I have perspective on both. I’ve reached through the fence a few different times, thinking the grass was greener and turns out it’s not.
Here are my thoughts on this dilemma, today directed to the married folks….
For whatever reason, I’ve recently had conversations with several good friends (both guys and gals) about marriage and divorce. Not sure if it’s in the water or it’s something this storm is bringing in or what. But it’s a trend that disturbs me because of my personal experience with divorce.
As I said from the top, I have no advice that you can implement that will change your married life overnight. But what I can give you and what I describe to everyone I meet with about this topic is this.
Here is a picture of what your life will be like if you decide to get divorced…and specifically to those of you with children.
- Be prepared to rarely; if ever tuck your kids in at night.
- Have a lot of Kleenex the first 3 years. You will need them.
- Get your story ready to deliver to your kids when they ask you why you left their mother/father.
- Alone. Lonely. Defeated.
- Say good-bye to waking your kids up and dressing them for school every day.
- Get ready for most people to look at you differently.
- Depressed. Discouraged. Constantly.
- Get your profile pic ready for the dating site of your choice.
- Get prepared to watch other women…. “mother” your children, dress your girls, love what was your spouse.
- Embarrassed. Insecure. Distraught.
- Don’t forget how many kids you have, because every potential suitor will ask. Then walk away.
- Buy a football for the guy who will be teaching your boy how to throw it.
- If you do find someone, get ready to be asked to pick one. Them or your kids.
- Just be primed to say “it’s ok” when your kids call you the wrong name. Yes, I mean not mom or dad, but the other “persons” name.
- The “rings” will come off, the lawyers will control everything and you will be served papers. Publicly.
- Pick out which Christmas mornings you want to spend with your kids. You no longer get them all.
- The thought of love will be sickening, yet you’ll long to have it back. Many will search for it for years with other people.
- Failure. Desperation. Darkness.
I don’t share these intimate details in hopes of you inviting me to a pity party. In fact not all of these examples and emotions are from me. The list is more of a culmination of examples from my life and dozens of other divorced men and woman whom I’ve counseled. Friends who thought the grass was greener elsewhere. So why do I share? I share these specifics in hopes of slapping some of you across the face with the reality that will be your life if you break your vows. Five years after divorce I still deal with several of these issues and emotions on a weekly basis. Now, my life is what it is today and I believe God has grace that covers a multitude of sins. And that I am living proof that God does and can restore and make all things new. But it comes with a price, a very brutal and often times painful price that few people fully realize.
My message is this. Single or married. The grass is NOT greener elsewhere. You are where you are for a reason. Take charge of your marriage, claim your contentedness and grab some gratefulness for your situation.
Being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, “I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you,” Hebrews 13:5
But most of all forgive and love. …. just like you have been forgiven and loved.
Read the singles’ edition of this post here.
by admin | Mar 18, 2013
In April, I will have been divorced for 5 years. Before that I was married for 5 years. I say that as a reference to you before you read any further. I don’t claim to know much of anything about having a successful relationship or tips on how to make a marriage work. However, as I said, I have lived half my adult life married and the other half single. So I have perspective on both. I’ve reached through the fence a few different times, thinking the grass was greener and turns out it’s not.
Here are my thoughts on this dilemma to us single folks….
Whether you’ve been married before or not….whether you are in a “serious” relationship or not, God does care about you. As much as we may think this entire world is created for those happily married folks prancing around holding hands and making-out in front of us, God actually did create this world for single people too.
I know, I know. Married people seem to have all the perks. They’ve got the built in cuddle buddy, the partner to go to the movies with, the encourager waiting for them at home after a tough day and the cook when you’re broke and hungry (not to mention the lover).
But here is the reality from where I see it, and I am not saying this is good or bad, just that it seems to be the reality. Most married people, if they were honest, would say they often think about what life would be like if they were single. They have the same “grass is always greener” thoughts about being single that you have on being married.
Single people want to be married and married folks want to be single.
So how do we overcome this longing we feel, the hurt it carries with it and the jealously that teems inside?
For me it comes down to two things. Gratitude and Contentment. Finding one, if not both of these characteristics in every aspect of our life as a “single” person, can give you a freedom and purpose for this season of your life.
Simple in theory. Excruciatingly difficulty to dwell on in reality. But here are some verses I’ve found that may help you really grab on to the truth that God does have a plan for this single season you have found yourself in.
Not that I speak from want; for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity. Philippians 4:11-12
“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
A tranquil heart is life to the body, But passion is rottenness to the bones. Proverbs 14:30
So be content with who you are, and don’t put on airs. God’s strong hand is on you, He’ll promote you at the right time. 1 Peter 5:6-7
If they obey and serve him, they will spend the rest of their days in prosperity and their years in contentment. Job 36:11
But godliness with contentment is great gain. Psalm 68:3
Being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, “I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you,” Hebrews 13:5
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
Hold on to these verses on the days where all you want is to have the “perfect” marriage and family that your neighbor has or when you are at the next wedding longing to know when that day will come for you. Grab on to some gratitude and thank God that you have the freedom that being single provides for you today. I can assure you that if you are following God’s will for your life, the freedom you have been given is specifically in place for you to accomplish something great, to learn something new about life, to grow up, to mature in your decision making, to gain more perspective or maybe to discover something you never knew about yourself.
Look, I know being single sucks. I get it. Trust me, I really do. But I can tell you with 100% confidence that I am single right now for a reason. God is not surprised by it and He will not let it go to waste. But I have to trust Him; my faith at times has to exponentially grow. As I do this and walk through season after season without a partner I become more and more content that God is in charge and I am not. And that feels good.
I’ve had my stint running my life and I didn’t do so well. So for now, I am striving for contentment and gratitude in my singleness. Purposely taking action to control my contentment, live in gratitude and preparing myself for the next season of life. One I hope comes with a smoking hot wife….
Read the married version of this post here.
by Tiffany Zylstra | Feb 14, 2013
Picture this: broken-down car, it’s 31 degrees outside, no heat, no idea what’s wrong, all of the lights on the dashboard on, and just to top it off it’s snowing. In the world of a single gal I did the only thing possible….I called my dad.
He’s trying to talk a rapidly getting anxious girl into figuring out where a fan belt is under the hood. I didn’t even know my car had a fan belt. I’m thumbing through the owner’s manual thinking that it certainly has to tell me options of what’s wrong. All of a sudden there is that gentle reminder to trust God.
Trust is one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. I’m constantly having to ask for forgiveness because this independent female was bound and determined to do it herself. Then as soon as I fail God gives me the reminder that my failure could have been avoided if I had allowed the situation to happen on His timing and in His way.
How many times every day does God have to remind you to trust with a gentle, or not so gentle, reminder?